i hate it when it feels like theres no one there for you. or rather. no one there for me.

Nothings ever but bad as long as you can ignore the minor falls. Today was back to school. It is going to be so easy to slip into that lazy, non studying mode, but no i wont let that happen. just studying a few hours a day can actually make a difference. and i intend to make that difference.

Today was also me being on my own again at least in lectures and in the afternoon at SEF. It wasn't as bad as i expected. i spoke to people and i wasn't really dying. i guess being friendly to people helps. and i like it.

all you have to do is stop caring what if your being judged. and life treats you well enough.

fml. i do feel suicidal.

**dear friends, i feel suicidal but that does not mean I'm going to do anything drastic so please, stay off my back. you know, i know better. if you think i don't know better, then you probably don't know me so fuck off anyway.

ok that was bullshit. it wasn't too cold in the gold coast but it was no sunny paradise either. ok, it was a pretty nice paradise. just not sunny. ok. you get the point. I think i had  a rather exciting holiday. no, i didn't go to theme parks. i did what i love most. SHOP and club a little. a lot. And i spent time in the water. which i love even more. I have new experiences that i know not everyone would get. and i had a blast. I learnt new things. and not just what i signed up for.

The clubs there were quite exciting actually. But with a name like sin city or bedroom, if its not exciting that something is totally wrong. One thing i learnt in the clubs- when someone dance with you from the back, don't trust anyone to give a you a proper description of the person( esp if they are preoccupied too:I). Turn you head around and look at the person. take 5 second to decide if you want a escape route and spend the next 2 seconds actually escaping if required. always always try to catch a glimpse of the person because god forbid you’re dancing with a old dude with a gold tooth. i was horrified and might possibly be scared for life btw. oh and if a shorter guy tries anything, don't laugh at him because offence is usually taken. hahahaha. Try not to hang around really drunk kuku blokes when you’re sober because when one of them removes his shoe so that they both can drink beer from it, you are going to be disgusted and you are going to want to hurl. and even if your friends decide they’re still with dancing with, DONT because its going to happen again and you’re going to have to find an escape to stalk off to. ( mine was the depressing brazil game btw.i was so so sad).

But a holiday that's purely about clubbing is not so exciting. We headed down to Byron bay where i think i would love to go to again! We went snorkelling which i loved. Honestly i was terrified at first but then then this calmness came over me and i enjoyed it a lot. but i was totally freaked out by the speed boat. Then we went surfing where i experienced my first bloody nose. i gave up after the bleeding stopped. surfing is not my thing. and i think i need better arm and upper body strength before i attempt it again which honestly actually might be never. The next day we went sea kayaking and we saw dolphins. so pretty. i totally loved it. I went kayaking and i didn't get sea sick but after a while of being back on land i threw up. more proof that I'm weird. ill embrace it.

We got $5 meals that were huge ass with a free margarita. Saw a really hot Dutch guy. with piercing blue eyes and the whole beard stubble thing going on. but he’d be one of those… never to be seen again types. haha.

and i went skydiving. screamed my heart out at 11000ft. but i totally enjoyed the parachute ride.

we only get to remember this one life. so I've been living it;) 

i know I've been gone awhile. But like my title implies i decided a little absence from my literary vomit was required. ok lets face it. i was just too lazy to blog. and when i needed to blog, the words would just have been too nasty and left scars. but i actually feel i have so much to say. so for the darlings patiently waiting for my update and my ever so boring life, the long long post is going  to be just for you.

The disappearing act is not just about my absence in the blog for the past couple of weeks. its me in the past couple of months. i know who i am. i always have( always being the past 2 years of self discovery. but you get the point). But i think I'm far from perfect and along the way i sort of misplaced some of my priorities. The past half a year, I've spent discovering my freedom. My stressing on things that are relatively minor. but that's just me. this had to happen sooner or later. i had to learn how to live life on my own. but lets face it. I've always been a dreamer. and I'm a dreamer who makes them come true. (think positive hema!) . At the end of it all, no matter what i go through, no matter what doubts i have, head or tail, essentially i just simply want to become a medical doctor. that's the baseline. people may have their doubts and honestly so do i time to time but that’s what I WANT. and what i want, I'm prepared to fight for. I want to live a full and complete life. I'm young only once but that's the most fucked up reason for me to give up my dream. I'm going to work for what i want. if that means me having less of a social life (like as if its so great now:/ but yeah) so be it. If its means not turning up to the Nott every week, so be it. i am going to work my ass off. and I'm going to make it through. any one, and i mean any one, who has to say otherwise to me, you can just fuck off. i don't need a speech about reality but because i know it. I know the possibilities and i know people fail. but I'm not going to let that keep me down. and when i said anyone, i meant anyone. i don't give a rats ass if you’re related to me or my best friend or a mere acquaintance.

So lets recap on what i want now.

-do well in all my papers

-qualify for honours and actually do the damned thing

-sit for gamsat and apply to med school

-take a few years off to save $$

-become a doctor:)

simple. what i want. i just have to work my ass of to get it. i don't mind really.

For now, exams are over. waiting for my results which come out this Friday. hopefully i do well. I'm just praying i pass everything. even if i don't score so well, i can at least work really hard to pull up my average.

oh i also went to the gold coast. I'm going to write about that in the next post. this seems long enough. :)