well, im in science class again...im bored again..and im sad again... I cant concetrate...i dunno why... just feel so stoned...i got my first UT grade..so damn dissapointing...i cant believe i did so badly...i was expecting more from myself...

well i watch Pirates of the carribbean on monday...it was reasonably nice but i found it a tiny wit bit too long....THR33 hours long...but it was fun...then me and gaya went to the new mc cafe...sat there talking...i couldnt fall asleep that night...just stayed up late...thinking bout all da shit going on now...haiz...

i miss him..all over again...and i miss him more, knowing the fact that i didnt get any acknowledgement bout what i told him...i was expecting that at least..i dunno why but i did... i msged him earlier...but as per normal...he didnt reply...i just wish life didnt have to be this hard...i just wish that things get easier...they say to see the rainbow, you have to endure the rain....well im enduring a freeeeaking storm right now...it just sad...ii just wish...

i just wish...

i trust people too easily, and thats how word spreads...i guess i trusted you too easily too... but why cant you just tel me the truth...instead of lying and lying and lyin...seriously...top the fuking lies..

hiaz..i freaking pissed and sad...i always try to be there for you...but you dun seem to give a fcuk bout me...eveytime i try to talk to you bout something that upsets me , you tell me to shut up...i mean i really dun get your point...im suposed to be there for you but you only have to do that if its convienient??and why do you treat her word like the bible...if u dun like it , just say it...i mean this is about YOU...not about her...it should be what YOU want...you stood there letting her rant on and on and on and let her deepen the wond that was there til i ended facing a wall and crying my heart out...and even askin a friend to give me back whats long gone just to forget the pain....but did you care???...apparently not...i noe you were hurting too but why werent u even not fending for yourself...i noe you might hav expect to asked you wad was wrong and to tell you dont worry...but im sorry...im hurting too much inside and this wound is just deeper now...i noe every wound heals fast enuff into scabs...but this wound just keeps bleeding and bleeding deep..and this wound is in my fucking heart...it not just about you...but it is also about you...the way you make me feel that i dun matter...but really..do i even matter to you? or anyone...it doesnt seem like theres anyone there...maybe there just no one...thats why it feels like this.. maybe...just maybe there might be someone whu might just love me like she did...protect me like she did, care for me ike she did...i miss you ma...i thought i found someone like that...but i dunno...i never noe...

Well , its kinda of in the middle of the night, but i cant sleep so yeah... haha.. well today, technically yesterday was two very special people's birthdays...One was gaya...my dearest darlingest wonderfullest sis is now officaily 21...happy birthday...youre getting old...hehe...and the other person was... well it was da special ones birthday...THE special one...anyway, more bout that l8er...

ill be back in action on monday...yippie....cant wait to go back to sch...can talk non stop again...well, i went to see da doctor in da morning so i can go back on monday...then lke i went to np to buy cake fer gaya...came home...met my uncle and cuz from m'sia, then i went off to meet a bunch of friends and pass the pressie to the special one...came back , got ready and went to The Village in The Heeran wid dad,sisters ,uncle and cuzzies..then we (just da cuzzies)went to the esplanade to just chill and slack...and now im home..so basically that was my day...a freaking damn long day...

Anyway, i was quite happy to meet up with sapnaa after so long...though we talk on da phone daily, it just isnt da same as bullying her in person...and seriously , i just missed her loads...it was also fun to like finally meet up wid da sec 4s...

Well, i gave HIM his pressie...i really dunno lah...i have so many thoughts running thru my head...but basically i felt like being totally honest in wadeva i wrote in da card and i did...but that was before i saw him and spoke to him...today it just seemed...wads that word??...nice...yeah...it just felt nice...nth special...nth great but just nice...and i just poured m heart out in da card...what if lyk he gets pissed bout that, or even if it doesnt get him pisssed wad if it changes our friendship...lyk im so freaking confused...and im really thinking was it wrong to be honest?...and i just feel lyk crap too...thats another long story...and you noe wad?...today might just have been the last day i see HIM for like forever .. seriously ..sob sob sob...

i just have this freaking conflicts in my head that dont leave me in peace...why cant this be simple...why?why oh why oh why?...my thalaivithi!

am i seriously waiting for something that might NEVER be ?somebody pls tell me...i need help...

everyone has someone to turn to..i just have...no one...

Well,ive been home since like thursday and ive not seen the sunshine since then... ok... i have seen the sunshine but bascially i haven left home....AT ALL!!..u noe y?? cos ive got the chicky pox...yeap...just my luck...i missed 3 papers which ill get an X for...and for my consolation,'just dont miss the other 3 test'...argh...not fair!...any way, i cant really sleep so yea...i just spend the whole day playing a mindless computer game...phew...

anyway...you noe what i realised(having all the time in the world to be lost in thought)?...im a very very jealous person...i dunno whats wrong with me...i dont even noe if jealous is the word id use...its like, something will strike me...then ill start thinking and imagining things that might happen , that i dont think have happen (at least to what i noe)but ill start thinking bout them and then ill get all emotional and pissed...i mean...what da heck man...the issue or person im getting pissed about has no direct link to me...for example,a person named squirrel(for EXAMPLE), i start thinking bout this person and people who relate to this person and then i get pissed of certain imagined situation....but squirrel is someone i have strong feelings for but he's not my boyfriend or bestfriend or anything...just friend...so why am i feeling so worked up and irritated???its all the little things that get me so worked up...and i feel lyk a werid idiot, cos its not even my place to feel the way i do...argh...why do i do this to myself??

FRIENDS.

omg...i could write an essay on this man....ok...but seriously...lately, ive been feeling that a certain friend has not been honest with me about a friendship they are having with someone who im not very fond of and ive asked over and over again, ' hey , tell me honestly ah....are u very close with so and so?' the answer is always standard..'er.no..not really..okok lah'....but somehow i still dont feel its da truth...maybe cos of friendster...haha....theres alot of things that say ure close to her...super close..im just a lil tweaked that i dun think this friend is being honest with me...maybe i have been acting lyk the jealous bitch i am but honestly, even if ure best friends with her im mot gonna feel all angry blah blah drama queen stuff...AS LONG AS ITS U whu tells me...and not make me find out on my own...its quite sad dat i feel that i can trust u with my life and it feels lyk u dun trust me with even this...so tell me...am i thinking straight by trusting my gut instinct or am i just paranoid?? (T-T)
either way paranoid or not, i think u noe whu u are and i just wanna say that...no matter what , i luv ya loads and i dunno what ill do without u ...and when u do read this, pls pls clarify my doubt(paranoid or gut feeling)... this is just somthing that has been weighing on me and i just thought itd be best to get it off my chest...im not pissed fyi...just...er...confused...


anyway...i was thinking of getting highlights...or re- rebond my hair...highlights are definatley a cheaper option plus i like the way my hair is...how it is , i dunno...haha..but i like it...so yeah...but the new growth is coming is and maybe i should just rebond my hair again...but what if this time round when i rebond it, it becomes stick straight...then itd be a problem...but on the other hand what if the highlights dont suit me????
why?!why do torment my self with these questions??!
but i have to see if i even have da cash for this before i start tormenting myself again...

and btw...life still goes on...

well right now...im in class...Science class...its crapppy...i cant understand a shit this woman is talking but i understand the topic...our presentation was damn freaking crappy...ive developed a headache and im listen to some werid song on imeem..ok its sounding nicer now...manthira vasaal , acid house mix...intresting eh...we went walking in the rain just to cp...whoa... my life is getting boring...grr...

life has changed so much in past few weeks...friendship that where meant to last and have lasted so far are starting to fade away...sometime i feel that i not trying hard enough for it to last...but honestly do i want it to last??...part of me feels that these friendships are the barrier to my goals...the other part of me feels that im no longer the same person...the one who could understand their points of view with ease...but i just dont feel it anymore...It just feels lyk i have to be there when they have no one...and i dunn wanna be the last resort..not anymore...

i miss u lyk crazy ...i really miss you...alot...alot alot alot...i miss you alot...

and once again life goes on...

Do you really have to??